Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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