i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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