walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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