if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
