I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
