the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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