Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You are a genius and a whore.
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