Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
