Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
