i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
