you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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