Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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