True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
