Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
