So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
