If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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