her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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