Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
