Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I wish they made helmets for livers.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
What drink are we having for lunch?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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