I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
