dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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