Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
