I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
