Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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