if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
