god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
