I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
