She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
