you guys were way drunker than both of me
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
