All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
