She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
