So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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