my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
