I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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