Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Someone came in the potted fern
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
