And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
