I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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