What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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