Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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