Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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