Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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