you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
