So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
