Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Randomize
