If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize