My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
