i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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