It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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