Just fell off a train. Bad.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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