Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
