Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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