I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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