You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
