Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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