if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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