I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
