I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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