The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
