direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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