When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
