i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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